thaniabites

wrote here once that
"psychological fact: when a person cries due to happiness, the first drop of tears comes from the right eye, but when it comes from the left, it's from pain."
i am now in a state of where i don't know what i'm feeling.
it gets to the point that i cry deliberately to know from which eye it is dropping out of.
i've been feeling unlike myself a lot lately.
i dunno.
i feel like for the last few weeks, i haven't been living.
it's like watching a movie that you have no interest in at all,
and you're there, gripping the remote, trying hard not to push fast forward and
trying to concentrate to the movie, but the end is all you can think about.
feels like i'm just fast forwarding my life.
what i fear is that i won't really like the future.
and then what can i do?
they said that you can't change the past but you can always change the future.
i'm interested in my future but i have no aspiration whatsoever regarding my future.
it's like i just don't care.
i just want to get there.
there.
now.
but i have no idea where "there" is.

a lot of what i'm feeling is caused by feeling like i'm losing control.
"maybe we have to break everything to make something better of ourselves."
i feel as if i'm lost.
and i have no idea how to get back to the right way.
it's scary to now realize that i have no clue on where i'm going.
i guess i'm just terribly scared.
they said that most people will be as happy as they decide to be.
well guess what.
i've decided.
i'm gonna be the happiest girl in the whole freaking world.
i'm happy.
i'm happy.
i'm happy.
i'm. happy.
but then again. they say that saying something's true doesn't make it true.