Old habits.

Finally had a chance to write in this baby.
I know I have been neglecting this blog quite a bit, but I'm trying to be better at this.
Well I just finished reading Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.
I have been wanting to read this book ever since I finished reading Nothing Feels Good by Andy Greenwald, and that was way back in year 2006.
Time flies.
I finally got the chance to read it and I felt like it was a good decision to not read it until now.
Like I wouldn't be able to appreciate it if I were to read it when I was 15 lol.

A couple of my favourite quotes:
1. "So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
2. "And she kissed me. And it was the kind of kiss that I could never tell my friends about out loud. It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life."
3. "I just wish that God or my parents or Sam or my sister or someone would just tell me what's wrong with me. Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear. I know that's wrong because it's my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better because that's what my psychiatrist says, but this is a worse that feels too big."
4. "So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."
5. "I just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees her is better than she actually is. And I think it's bad when the most honest way a boy can look at a girl is through a camera."
6. But most of all, it's this one "We accept the love we think we deserve."

When I was reading the book, I felt like I was being introduced to this person who was going through exactly what I am going through.
Who was feeling as awkward and as out of place as I am.
Who was incapable of processing all of this things that he was feeling.
And that makes me incredibly sad.
The fact that I can relate to a boy who is deemed a wallflower makes me sad.
I just felt like I wasn't participating in life like the way he wasn't participating in life. And I felt that this is all going too fast.
I felt like I have not made mistakes that was worthy of being told to people.
I felt like I just want to have more time to process everything.
I don't know what everything is, but I felt like there are a lot of things.

Yesterday I found out one of my favorite junior high school teacher passed away.
I was shocked at first and then I just felt sad.
Sad because I just realized that all the high school and junior high experience are now memories. And that I couldn't keep every memory I have. That they all will be gone and be replaced with new memories.
They have been memories for a long time but I just realized that now.
And that's how detached I am to everything.
And I don't know maybe I'm just sad today.
But right now, all I can think of is just jumping off a cliff, and that 6 seconds jump is going to be the first 6 seconds of my life, and I will be fine.
But like I said, maybe I'm just sad today.